Fat Brackets

Today I went for a run. It was terrible. I honestly think that the stress of my job is wearing on me hard enough to affect my runs. Today, my boss might as well have been actually riding me during my run. Figuratively, he's already there.

Regardless of how my run went today I will be doing the half marathon. I will not, however, be doing the Richmond marathon in November. I need a slight, to very long break from races longer than... well, the distance to the fridge.

I must also admit that I am a bit incensed with a a certain aspect of races which has aided in my decision to skip the November race.

This certain aspect is known as the age bracket.

Most races show you your half way time, your finish time and your rank within your age bracket.

I get it... you're 85, you're running the half marathon and you want to be able to know how well you did within your grave, I mean age group. Well, listen here, Myrtle... you 1) Should not be up this late 2) Have obviously had more experience than I have 3) Will STILL most likely kick my butt, happy?

WHY do races insist on doing age brackets? All of the other 24 year old ladies that are running this race are in their prime! Well, you know what, Age Bracket? I just started running, and I happen to be carrying a little junk. Alright? There I said it. I don't like age brackets because I think they should be replaced by fat brackets.

I am much slower than you because you are skinny. You try strapping on 40 pound cankle weights and then go running. Sound fun? Welcome to hell.

Any way... all I am asking for is to know how much faster I am than the people who weigh the same as me. I know I can't beat Susie Skinny-Jeans (its hyphenated so she didn't loose her identity when she got married) who has been training her whole life and is "naturally thin". I want to know how I did against Carrie Chunkamunk (she's of Eastern European heritage). Give me that ranking! I promise, I would do more races then!

You know what I hear when people say they are Naturally thin? "Unnaturally born from the womb of the dark lord himself." Yeah... you're the spawn of Satan if you have never had a weight issue. Tell me I am wrong. Go ahead....

I don't believe you. Lucifer teaches his offspring to lie.

For those of you who are not naturally skinny and have to try, but are still a size zero, I should admit here and now that I probably have a dimply leg up on you when it comes to races. You see, I have actually eaten the night before the race, and the night before that, thereby fueling me more effectively than the hot water and cucumber gorge fest YOU had the night before the race.

So to close, here is a list of reasons being a fat runner sucks

1) more wind resistance
2) additional friction
3) it's too embarrassing to be seen in running shorts, so I you can bet I am sweating to death wearing my 'sporty capris'
4) it's no where near Christmas, but yet you can't help but think the phrase "bowl full of jelly" when you see me

So give me fat brackets and make me feel better! I want to know how much faster I am than those who are actually my competition.

(Cue the dramatic bag pipes)

Give me weight brackets or give me body glide!


  1. Robin! You are seriously so funny and i hope that just by being around you more makes your funniness rub off on me.

    Please write for SNL- it'd be so much funnier than it is these days.

    P.S. you are beautiful and i love you.

  2. I read this post about an hour ago and I'm still laughing! My life would be so dull without your blog. Your idea for a fat bracket is amazing - I really think you should pitch it to racing officials and see how it goes. :)